Thanks to avid CTJ reader LustyMcButterPants for alerting us to the hip new thing in Conservatism – rewriting the Bible to remove any trace of liberal bias! (It’s about goddamn time.)
Well, what’s on the docket Conservative Bible Project, you ask? How’s about some sexy extracts from their list of ten, yes?? (Courtesy of HuffPo.)
- 1. Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias
And a strong framework, to boot!
- 2. Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, “gender inclusive” language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity
Yeah! Christianity is for manly men who do men shit, for masculinity! None of this ‘inclusion’ bullshit. Wimmins are the suck.
-
6. Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.
Yah. That’s The Logic of Hell, in case you misread. Did you know, that the modern concept of Hell wasn’t actually introduced into the Bible until Dante wrote The Divine Comedy, in the 14th Century?? Whatever…
-
7. Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning
Yes yes this new Bible will feature the Book of Adam Smith.
-
9. Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels
Hahaha. Open-mindedness. Let’s remove ‘liberalism’, with open-mindedness.
-
10. Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word “Lord” rather than “Jehovah” or “Yahweh” or “Lord God.”
That gosh darned liberal wordiness! Always using words, to describe things. Grrrrr, words. There are too many words, fer stuff!
Anywho, we expect that this shiny *updating* of the ancient texts will remove any mention of the Son of Man, Jesus, from it’s pages. After all, he was merely a scuzzy, progressive, community-organizin’ hippie born to a teenaged mother; and worse yet, he claimed God was his dad and spent most of his free time wearing men’s sandals and hanging out with a bunch of dudes…I’ll let you draw your own conclusions… [Huff Po]
